31 days {go and say}

Months and months ago, my husband and I started a process of answering a call that we both had felt the Lord had placed on our hearts years and years ago. We decided that instead of just talking about this calling we felt, we would act on it.

In our marriage we tend to discuss and discuss and it takes a while for us to finally move. A lot of the time we blame that on finances (we don’t have the money) or time (not enough of it) or our children (they need such and such) etc. We say all sorts of excuses and in many ways ignore what God might be pressing onto our hearts.

Since before we were married and really even met, we both felt a huge desire to go overseas with missions. We’ve talked about it in phases throughout our nearly 18 years of marriage, but it wasn’t until last spring that we finally decided to start the process to go.

We didn’t know where the process would lead us. We walked into the process saying to God that we would go wherever He sent us; even if He sent us right where we were. We spend the next 4-5 months filling out paperwork, talking with a small network of friends and prayer partners and praying ourselves.

Only to lead us to a massive stop. I struggled for many weeks with the idea that God would call us to GO and to act on this calling only to lead us to a dead end. Because that is what it felt like. I said to the Lord that there is no way He could continue to lead us to follow Him because of the sin that was so entangling in our lives at that moment.

But in the weeks after, I have come to realize that just because God calls us to go, no matter where we think it might be leading, it’s ok to have some stops along the way. I can look now and praise God for how clearly He has said to me “do not give up hope”. We did say to God that we were willing to go wherever He led and also whenever He led.

It reminds me of Christian and his journey in Pilgrim’s Progress. How many stops did he have along the way? So, so many. Some for rest, some because of his sin and poor choices, some for helping and leading others and some for gathering up others to walk the journey with him. In the end, he entered the edge of the Celestial City overwhelmed with friendship and a heart bursting with lessons learned about the goodness of the King.

So, that’s what I’m learning. To keep plugging along. Keep walking through the hard stuff. To keep going and saying to the Lord that “I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.”

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A few months ago we were filling out paperwork to go overseas with TEAM missions. It is a lengthy process and the final steps are pretty grueling. In the midst of our final responsibilities before going before the approval committee we had to go through a pretty rough assessment. In that process God revealed some hefty sins within our marriage. Because of that we halted our application and we’ve been wrestling with it ever since.

I struggle so much with feeling so confident about a path or choice…only to have that path ripped out from under me. Then I wonder if I was ever on the right path to begin with? I am learning to distinguish between fear of the unknown and the fear and anxiety that comes from being out of God’s will. There truly is a difference. For the longest time I felt like God was giving us a choice. Not a wrong or right one, but really just two paths leading to two different places. Both places calling us to a level of dependence we’ve never known of Him. Both calling us out of our comfort zone and calling our family into a different way of life as we know it.

Then the bottom fell out and I began to think that we had stayed on the path to missions only to have God bring to the top these grievous sins. To bring on a redemption and renewal that I’ve been longing an praying for for years.

So I started moving towards path B. But in the midst of it all we’ve started wondering about the original way we were headed. Was it really just to expose that sin? Or did we jump off the path too quickly? While God is being proclaimed greatly through what is going on in our relationship…was it just a precurser to how greatly He will be proclaimed if we follow through?

We so often think that God only gives us one choice that is good. But so many times I wonder if He doesn’t give us a multitude that is good and we search too hard for the right one; consumed with worry that we won’t get it right? Are we, am I, searching too hard in my own strength for fear of failure, when all He wants me to do is just trust in Him? I think I’m trying to solve problems and find solutions that aren’t mine to find.

My verse all along has been Psalm 27
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

And I cling to the promise that no matter what choice I choose…I will see His goodness. Because He is always good.

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