leftovers

I like leftovers.
Leftovers mean that my husband has 5 more minutes to sit on the couch with me in the morning instead of making a lunch.
Leftovers mean that I don’t have to scrounge around at lunch time and figure out what to eat.
They mean that maybe I get a night “off” from making dinner.
In an odd way they bring me peace because there is less work for me to do.
If I have something leftover I feel a sense of security.

But lately, I’m figuring out that God doesn’t work with leftovers.
They are not faith builders.
When I know that I have something left in the fridge to eat, I don’t have to think about anything.
I have a back up.

God has continually been filling up our plates.
He has been giving us exactly what we need…for that meal.
Like the manna that fell in the wilderness, as much as I’ve wanted to have something to save, I haven’t.
And it’s driving me mad.

I want something leftover, because I’m clinging to the leftover.
And honestly, there is very little that is leftover that is still as good as it was the day you made it.
Why would I cling to that?
Why would I think that having something left-over would bring me more satisfaction?
would cause me to count me to count more blessings.

Sunday night I had some of the best pizza that I’ve had in a long time.
But, I guarantee had we had any leftover it would have tasted nothing like it did the night before.
And as the 4 of us sat and stared at the last couple of pieces, we knew that.
Deep down, all of us knew that we couldn’t leave any of it.
It would be a loss to just leave it there and not eat it.
It would be a loss to take it home and reheat it the next day.
So we all shared in it.
We enjoyed it.
We embraced that moment and gave thanks for it.
Something as small as a pizza.

And that is what God is calling me to. Repeatedly.
Banging me on the head with. Repeatedly.
To embrace right now.
To enjoy what is front of me right now.
To praise Him for the provision….right now.
Refusing to focus on whether there will be leftovers.
Not worrying about what to do if there isn’t any left.
But calling out thanksgiving for this.

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fmf {quiet}

Five Minute Friday

Five minutes
Fridays
Zero Edits
In my new, but old space (oh those darn spammers that got me)
Time to focus and write from the heart
Join in!
Today’s word is
QUIET

GO

Quiet is a funny thing in my world lately.
There are days when everyone is at home, noise is blaring from the radio,
the tv, the iPad, the people in the house
and I long for Monday mornings when it’s just me in this space again. When I have control of the noise.
But not long into my Monday mornings I start to falter because of the silence.
Silence is hard.
We long for it at times.
And most of the time we need it.
Silence from the noises in our homes. Silence from the noises in our world.

And even silence from our God.
It is in this kind of silence that we grow the most
and sometimes suffer the most.
Like my Mondays when I am all alone and wander through the house and don’t know what to do with the silence.
It draws me in and focuses me.
This silence from our Lord is a waiting.
It is a place that is forcing us to focus on Him.
To grow us.
To bring us to a place of repentance.
To make us something new.
But it’s not just a silence. It’s a quiet.
It’s like sitting in a meadow and seeing a deer pass in front of you and you want to be quiet.
You want to see the beauty.
We can’t see that beauty when we are surrounded by noise.

STOP

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anxiety

I’m a big fan of the NBC show Parenthood. I watched all 3 seasons last Spring while I was sewing and was beyond thrilled when the new season started up this Fall. Until I started watching it. I’ve really come undone watching the storylines this year and today when I watched this week’s episode I was a total wreck.

The season started with the announcement that Christina has breast cancer. This is a crazy scary storyline to follow for me as I’ve just walked through a hysterectomy due to issues (thankfully all benign) and a long history of all sorts of cancer in my family. I’ve had one “off” mammogram and I’ve put off going back for another baseline (I’ll go next week, don’t fret) because of what happened to me this summer. That said, I struggle with identifying myself in a storyline (via book, tv show etc) and I can’t own her story because it’s not mine and it hasn’t (and who even says it will) happened to me.

But I can own Julia’s story this week. I’ve written throughout the years about my deep struggle with anxiety and fear. In this week’s episode, Julia is standing over the sink with burnt toast scraping it off while her kids are going on with life in her background. She then collapses onto the floor because she can’t handle it anymore.
I have lived that exact scene and while it was hard to watch, it was also amazing to remember where I was and what God has brought me through. I have no idea where I would be if I wouldn’t have gotten help and if the Lord hadn’t rescued me from that fear and anxiety. I still have bouts of it, but nothing that drives me to my knees in deep setting anxiety.

The Lord has truly brought me to a place where when my life is overwhelming, He drives me to His feet.

And for that I’m so grateful.

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being real {confidence}

My nine year old son wore his favorite faux leather bomber jacket to school yesterday. He has loved this jacket since the day he begged his grandmother to buy it for him. I remember he would wear it and then swagger around with such confidence.
Yesterday he was asking friends at school if they liked his jacket. The majority of them told him “no” and one even declared it was embarrassing to be seen as a friend with him in that jacket.
So heart breaking for a momma.

But I asked him, “do you like that jacket?” and he told me “yes, definitely!”
and I said “that is what matters.”
But, did he wear it this morning to school? No.
And that makes me more sad.

But it made me think about my life and the things that make me swagger around in confidence
and that later can crush my heart.
I think that is prayer…
At least prayer when I don’t pray with confidence that God hears me and longs for the desires of my heart.
Just like my son putting on his bomber jacket and feeling so confident, I need to enter into my relationship daily with God with that same confidence.

Confidence irregardless of how God might answer my prayers.
Confidence irregardless of how quickly they might (or might not) be answered.
And confidence irregardless of how crazy others might view my life
and the things that I’m praying for.

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fmf {grasp}

Five Minute Friday

Friday
Five minutes
Words without edits.
Thoughts without worries.
One word.

GO

Today is budget day. It is a day where at the beginning things look so great. A paycheck filled with overtime, but then as I fill in all the blanks and realize all the blanks that aren’t going to be filled I realize that I’m grasping.
This is my story the Lord is writing in my life.
I can try and grasp all I want.
I can try and plan all I want.
He can give me loaves and fishes overflowing.
Or He can give me exactly what I need at that moment.
And I will still try to grasp at it all.

I pray over and over again for some relief from this financial stress.
The Lord continually answers in His way.
And I don’t like it.
It takes me to a place where the only thing I can grasp is Him.
And that is what He is continually writing on my heart.
You cannot hold on to any security that this life might even begin to offer….
I can only grasp onto Him.
And I am learning daily to hang on for dear life.

STOP

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