I’m a words kind of person. I will screw up an quote that I hear and want to repeat and share, but I can remember single words.

Single words can resonate and define my seasons so perfectly.

Right now these are my words…

All of these describe where I am as I sit here on the other side of a deep sadness and frustration. I feel relief as I have met my deadlines and closed up my shop for a period of time. There is a freedom and openness to my days now that I haven’t had lately.

But I am reading about advent. Advent is a period of longing – watching – waiting.
I’m thinking back to the weeks past where I have felt overwhelmed and sinking and I am pondering my response during that time.

Did I “embrace my sadness and frustration?”
or did I “attempt to escape, avoid or deny it?” (Jim Branch)

When I was deeply lonely – sad – separated
what did I do?

Did I recognize that “dagger of desire for Himself?”
For in the midst of the last few weeks He was moving in me – emptying me –
He was “carving out a space for more of Himself and less of me.” (Dana Candler)

Like Peter, I was sinking. But as I’ve been learning lately…I have to sink.
I will never know my need. That space in me will never be emptied out, without sinking.
I will never know my need for water without thirst.
I will never know peace – real peace – without fear.
I have to sink down and be emptied out repeatedly.
For it’s only in sinking that I realize and remember and know my need of Him.

I am not a heir with Him without going through my own suffering (Romans 8:17)

I’ve given up on this journey of counting blessings so often. But when it comes to mind again I am reminded of how that is part of coming up from sinking. That is the focusing of my eyes on Him again.
That is me crying out “Lord, save me!”

When I am shunned by another because of choices I’ve made that differ…I give thanks
When I am covered over by work…I give thanks.
When I struggle with my husband…I give thanks.
When my days are planned out and there is no “freedom” to them…I give thanks.

I give thanks for
people who are different than me
God’s continued amazing provision for us
a husband who is by my side even in struggles
days to plan out
daughters who see Christmas lights and light up
3 generations watching the Nutcracker
expectation of the weeks to come
a boy and his dad who finally win a match
a carving out

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