the orientation of my heart

I mull over things.
If something has happened, might happen, or there is someone of a differing opinion than me.
If there is a choice I’ve made that might not reflect well.
If there is a friend who has slighted me or whatever.
I mull.
I have a horrible time letting go.

But as the Lord is continuing to vigorously pursue after my heart, I’m learning that I have to give up the mull.
When my mind drifts and I start to focus over others lives – choices, I’m choosing not to see the Shepherd.
I’m walking through the valley focusing on the darkness….
not on who is walking with me through it.

I’m reading through Paul Miller’s book A Praying Life and it is reshaping my heart.
I am seeking a radical heart change.
A radical heart focus.
A radical orientation to my life in the way that I respond and in the way that I engage.
In that I am realizing that counting gifts, this list to 1,000 (or more) that I’m slowly making, isn’t about looking for Pollyanna. It isn’t about sitting here on Mondays and recounting His gifts in the last 24 hours and then waking up tomorrow and going about my day self-sufficiently.

It is about looking for His touch daily, minute by minute. As Miller writes: “it is restoring the natural order of our dependence on God.” It is more than just a blog post once a week. It is more than just something in my schedule. I want it to be more than that.
So that when I start to mull, my focus would quickly be changed from cynicism to hope.
God is hope.
And I can analyze my life, the lives of others.
I can mull over choices and things that I don’t know.
I can cling to the truths that I do know.
I can cling to the Jesus moments throughout my day.

Miller tells a story about this woman who was sitting in his place of business. While he was running around frantic, running back and forth to home and trying to fix this huge problem, she continued to sit and wait. She never looked huffy. She never said anything. She just sat there for 3 1/2 hours waiting for her appointment.
Finally, when the problem was reconciled and he could help her, he blurted out and asked her “if she prayed to Jesus” to which she replied “yes, He is the most important thing to me”.
He realized then that Jesus had been sitting patiently in His office all day and he hadn’t seen him. He had gone through his problem, self-sufficient, frustrated and he was mulling over the mistake that he had made and had never seen who was really sitting in his office.
That has been my life.
I don’t want to move through another day without recording, counting, marking down the places where Jesus is sitting.

451. rain quietly falling
452. a last hug after a hard morning
453. the tug to look for Jesus through my days…not just my Mondays
454. a pursuit
455. painting with a friend on Friday
456. the spark in my children when they see that painting and want to paint one of their own
457. a handy husband
458. big favors
459. God’s continual provision for us
460. listening to my little girl read…so amazed at her
461. walking through Michael’s with my children; how excited the world of art is to them
462. lincoln logs

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