from the inside out

I have three tiny scars on my stomach. They are so small now that I cannot hardly see them.
The problem for me lies in the fact that from the outside I look “back to normal”, but on the inside I am still healing.
As I was reading today about the healing process from my recent surgery, they kept reminding those in recovery that it takes time. Don’t assume because you wake up one morning feeling great that you are fully healed.

I brought the heating pad upstairs this weekend and my little daughter says to me, “you don’t need that anymore huh? I guess you are getting back to your old self.”
But am I? This is the danger of healing. The view that because I look ok on the outside, I am fine on the inside.
And I am not.

In this, God is forcing the habit of rest.
He is forcing the habit of process.
He is bringing me to a posture of focus.
I can stuff as much distraction as I want into my days, but they don’t remove the fact that I have to rest.
This distraction that I keep stuffing is not bringing me healing.
It is not bringing me out of this fog.

I type words here and then I check websites.
I become afraid of my words and the things spewing out.
I try to close my eyes and lists of things to do explode in my head.
I check budgets and paychecks and checking accounts and worry about where we are headed.
I feel backaches and twinges and pulls and struggle to find comfort in a new way to sit.
When all I want is to curl up the way I used to.
I want to be done with this.
I don’t want this quiet, this forced rest, this forced healing… to become a habit.

But this healing is more than just the tissues that are repairing within me.
This healing is more than just the tiny scars on the outside.
This healing is part of His story that He is writing with my life.
It is Him changing, not merely these tissues inside,
but also my heart.
And in that, He is creating a new habit in me.
A habit of healing.

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1 Comment

  1. These words: “In this, God is forcing the habit of rest.
    He is forcing the habit of process.
    He is bringing me to a posture of focus” are confirmation to my soul. I’ve been sick all week, fighting some unknown sickness. A friend just said “it’s time to rest, you’re stressed” and I would listen. But your words here – they penetrate my soul. Oh my – time to refocus with rest included.

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