Noun: A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
Verb: Be resentfully unwilling to give, grant, or allow (something).
Not a word that anyone would want constantly floating within their world. But in the past week, this is the word that keeps coming to the surface in my life. While I like to think I forgive easily…I don’t. I might forgive on the surface, but that real heart change sort of forgiveness doesn’t come easy. It doesn’t come easy because it comes with a price. I want something to hold onto. Something that I can bring up again when my vulnerability is damaged again. I know it’s going to happen. Jesus said repeatedly that this world is trouble and to offer myself up to others is to open myself up to hurt. But that is what we are called to do.
So, I have to let go of the grudge. I have to let go of my reputation and what I want. As Tozer prays:
“Be Thou exalted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream.” . I have to let go of the grudge. To let go of that persistent feeling and resentful unwillingness. I can’t be free until I do.
I have to let God move in me and make me what He wants me to be…instead of me asking Him to make me into what I want. And that goes for others. For my children, for my husband and for my friends. I have to release my desire for what I want them to be and let God make them what He is making them to be.
“...we must take God as He is and adjust our lives accordingly – we insist upon trying to modify Him and to bring Him nearer to our own image.”
May God never stop His pursuit of me: His pursuit of making me less of me and more like Him.