I wasn’t sure what to title this post, so I’ll simply leave it blank. I’ve been wrestling with a couple of big things that God has truly brought to my attention this past year. I share partly for the mere sake of this being a journaling spot for me, partly for the accountability from the friends that read this post and partly because I’m just not sure where this blog is heading.
One, I’m insanely selfish. I have realized in the time that I’ve gone back to work; in the hustle and bustle of trying to make all the ends meet up, that I want my world, my plans, my children, my husband to do what I want, when I want it. I have been slammed with this selfishness when my kids don’t nap when they are supposed to, don’t eat their dinner that I made, don’t do the things that I want them to… But honestly, what has been lacking for me in my world is that unclenched fist. The acceptance that it isn’t going to be a nap time like I want, and cherishing that time with my child versus cursing the time that I lost for myself. It’s a hard and tiring road to walk down, but I’m realizing that it is taking more energy for me to be angry and selfish with the situation, rather than relinquishing myself to the reality that is and just resting there. I’m longing this year to rest. To stop fighting with myself and relinquish.
Two, I am struggling deeply with regret. I think in the past I’ve called this “discontentment” and maybe they are one and the same, but I so often ignore the place that I am at and struggle with trying to get out of it. For some reason when I was thinking about this the other day, I kept hearing the Lord telling me that what I was struggling with was regret. Regretting decisions I had made, or not made, things I had done, or not done etc.
It’s funny though, because with the selfishness I am clenching on tightly to the things that I want and my vision for how things need to work out. With regret, I’m begging to be released from whatever is going on and so frustrated with the reason or person or thing that put me there (which was more than likely me!)
Last year I was really struggling with being too well known. I really felt like I was overexposed in so many ways. This year I am feeling the Lord really drawing me in. Not in a “crowd up in your shell and hide” kind of way, but in a “you need to deal with your crap” kind of way. In high school I was anorexic and one of the reasons why I struggled so much with it was because of attention. I wanted people to notice me, take care of me and I was doing anything I could to get that to happen. Since then, I have really struggled with my intentions for doing things. This blog (and Facebook too) has been a struggle for me with that. While it has been good place to vent, journal and share etc I have struggled with “why” was I putting such a picture or posting such a post? Was it purely out of the intention to share something or was it because I was wanting that recognition? A wise friend told me that I needed to look at it as sharing my talents out of the joy that the Lord has blessed me with. I went with that for a while, but now I’m not so sure. That pull to see if anyone has commented or what my stats are or wondering why things are so silent is hard to deal with. Every time I post lately, I see myself sitting in youth group in high school at 98 pounds.
So what does all that mean? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not shutting this down and I’m not taking a formal leave of absence like I’ve done in the past. I’m really not sure what I’m going to do, except do nothing. I will more than likely keep my pictures updated on flickr, but as for posting things I just don’t know. And facebook…just shoot me. I’ve already tried to give that up twice and it didn’t work.
Ultimately, I want to focus more on my family, the things that do bring me pure joy, focus on the things that are real in front of me and less on the virtual world that seems so much safer. This is my goal for 2010…
And please don’t read this post as such a downer. I can’t tell you how realizing these two things, voicing them with my husband and now here give me such relief and peace. May you experience the same in your life and in the year to come. Here’s to new beginnings!