A few months ago we were filling out paperwork to go overseas with TEAM missions. It is a lengthy process and the final steps are pretty grueling. In the midst of our final responsibilities before going before the approval committee we had to go through a pretty rough assessment. In that process God revealed some hefty sins within our marriage. Because of that we halted our application and we’ve been wrestling with it ever since.
I struggle so much with feeling so confident about a path or choice…only to have that path ripped out from under me. Then I wonder if I was ever on the right path to begin with? I am learning to distinguish between fear of the unknown and the fear and anxiety that comes from being out of God’s will. There truly is a difference. For the longest time I felt like God was giving us a choice. Not a wrong or right one, but really just two paths leading to two different places. Both places calling us to a level of dependence we’ve never known of Him. Both calling us out of our comfort zone and calling our family into a different way of life as we know it.
Then the bottom fell out and I began to think that we had stayed on the path to missions only to have God bring to the top these grievous sins. To bring on a redemption and renewal that I’ve been longing an praying for for years.
So I started moving towards path B. But in the midst of it all we’ve started wondering about the original way we were headed. Was it really just to expose that sin? Or did we jump off the path too quickly? While God is being proclaimed greatly through what is going on in our relationship…was it just a precurser to how greatly He will be proclaimed if we follow through?
We so often think that God only gives us one choice that is good. But so many times I wonder if He doesn’t give us a multitude that is good and we search too hard for the right one; consumed with worry that we won’t get it right? Are we, am I, searching too hard in my own strength for fear of failure, when all He wants me to do is just trust in Him? I think I’m trying to solve problems and find solutions that aren’t mine to find.
My verse all along has been Psalm 27
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
And I cling to the promise that no matter what choice I choose…I will see His goodness. Because He is always good.