The more I read about the disciple Peter, the more I relate to him. He is forever plagued with regret and forever longing to be that person he so confidently declares he will be. His words speak so strongly what he wants to believe in his heart. Yet, he still denies Jesus. He still thinks he’s lost that calling and goes back to being just a fisherman of fish again. But Jesus. Oh how glorious is our Jesus that he doesn’t let him just sit in that regret. He doesn’t let him stay in that place of the past. He meets him there on the beach. He feeds him – both physically and spiritually. Just as the washing of the feet cleansed the disciples both physically and spiritually – God meets us in all our needed ways.
My favorite turn of phrase lately is “oh well.” I need an emoji with hands thrown up in the air, because that seems to be my constant response to so much in my life right now. But it’s a given up response. It’s that place, like Peter, where I can’t imagine that God could really accept me or do anything in my life to change things. When I sit in that place realizing that I can’t change anyone and I can’t change my circumstances, no matter how hard I try, I just throw my hands up and say “oh well”.
But I don’t want to be resigned to life. I don’t want to sit in this place of discomfort and just curl up in it. For sure, I want God to swoop in and change my circumstance, but day by day I’m sitting in that realization that it’s me that needs to be transformed – not my circumstances. As long as my heart goes back over and over again to that same sin – to that same response to the things going on – I realize that God keeps me here maybe because he’s trying to make me something new.