I’m a words kind of person. I will screw up an quote that I hear and want to repeat and share, but I can remember single words.

Single words can resonate and define my seasons so perfectly.

Right now these are my words…
relief
longing
groaning
emptiness
peace
openness

All of these describe where I am as I sit here on the other side of a deep sadness and frustration. I feel relief as I have met my deadlines and closed up my shop for a period of time. There is a freedom and openness to my days now that I haven’t had lately.

But I am reading about advent. Advent is a period of longing – watching – waiting.
I’m thinking back to the weeks past where I have felt overwhelmed and sinking and I am pondering my response during that time.

Did I “embrace my sadness and frustration?”
or did I “attempt to escape, avoid or deny it?” (Jim Branch)

When I was deeply lonely – sad – separated
what did I do?

Did I recognize that “dagger of desire for Himself?”
For in the midst of the last few weeks He was moving in me – emptying me –
He was “carving out a space for more of Himself and less of me.” (Dana Candler)

Like Peter, I was sinking. But as I’ve been learning lately…I have to sink.
I will never know my need. That space in me will never be emptied out, without sinking.
I will never know my need for water without thirst.
I will never know peace – real peace – without fear.
I have to sink down and be emptied out repeatedly.
For it’s only in sinking that I realize and remember and know my need of Him.

I am not a heir with Him without going through my own suffering (Romans 8:17)

I’ve given up on this journey of counting blessings so often. But when it comes to mind again I am reminded of how that is part of coming up from sinking. That is the focusing of my eyes on Him again.
That is me crying out “Lord, save me!”

When I am shunned by another because of choices I’ve made that differ…I give thanks
When I am covered over by work…I give thanks.
When I struggle with my husband…I give thanks.
When my days are planned out and there is no “freedom” to them…I give thanks.

I give thanks for
people who are different than me
God’s continued amazing provision for us
a husband who is by my side even in struggles
days to plan out
daughters who see Christmas lights and light up
3 generations watching the Nutcracker
expectation of the weeks to come
a boy and his dad who finally win a match
a carving out






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