moving on

My baby girl lost her first tooth this week. I say “baby” because she is my baby, my last born of me and this right of passage has hit me hard. There are days when I would never want her to return to her toddlerhood along with days that I do wish she would just grow up a little bit and be more independent. But most days, days like this one, I want her to stay just where she is and stop growing.

We tease our kids all the time that we need to put a brick on their heads so they might slow down and stop getting so big and when I look at this little girl with her missing tooth I have to stop myself from going outside and searching for a good brick.

There are so many aspects of my life that move along so quickly. I stop for a moment and realize that days, weeks, months have just zoomed past me. And this is the way life is supposed to be.

But there are other aspects of my life that stagnate.
And these are the things that eventually bring me to repentance.
These cycles of sin that spin on repeat and never change.

On the Sabbath I heard the word “presumptuous” and it cut right to the heart of this cycle I spin in. It is like being on the same sit and spin, going around and around. I think that I’m spinning the right direction. I think that this spin is actually going to take me somewhere. But really I’m just going around in circles.

I think that I know best for my life.
I think that I can answer all the problems and worries that come up every day.
I think that taking the reins is going to to stop this spinning.
But it doesn’t.
I find myself sitting stagnant.

The answer to this is an opening.
It’s a step off.
It’s a living sacrifice…dying to the part of me that thinks it’s safer to keep where I am.
Painful.
And yet so freeing.

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