birthing joy

There is an emptiness in me now.
A hollow place where there once was a womb.
An empty place that brings relief from pain,
but also brings pain in it’s loss.

I don’t know how to reconcile this loss.
A loss that even effects my almost 9 year old freckled face child.
The first one who was protected and grown in that place.
The one who realizes what this ended in our family life.

But like all other losses in my life.
Like all other times of struggle.
Like all other times where I have been wounded.
I have a choice…
to wallow
hang on
become identified and consumed with this loss..
or to use this ugliness, this loss of the ability to grow life,
and have it transfigure me into something beautiful.

This emptiness within me can be filled with remorse.
Or this emptiness that birthed two healthy babies, can now birth Joy.
This emptiness, filled no longer with a child’s heartbeat, but rather the heartbeat of God.
I choose the heartbeat of my Jesus.

He alone is my protector and deliverer.
He is my refuge, I will not be upended.
God delivers me and exalts me
God is my strong protector and my shelter
Trust in Him at all times, you people!
Pour out your hearts before Him.

from Psalm 62

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