I’m slowly reading through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It’s a book with what seems a simple message: God loves you with an amazing, crazy love…do you believe that?
A very simple message, but yet so hard for us to fathom.
Yet…what did He do for us but offer up His only son?
I’m getting ahead of myself.
In the chapter I read today, he asks the question: do you want to see God more than you desire security?
This question scared the pants off me. I don’t want to answer a question like that. It’s kind of like praying for patience and then birthing a daughter that moves at the pace of a snail.
But this is where I am right now.
Last week, we were saddled with using our credit card again for the first time in many years. Then we had to put a $350 doctor’s bill on it.
As I watched the debt creep up on us I was overwhelmed with grief and guilt. But I just kept praying and trying to trust that the Lord would provide for us. My focus had to come off of the money (or lack there-of) and just stay on Him.
Then, as my sense of security pretty much diminished, I watched as order after order after order came into my etsy shop. Enough money to pay off the credit card and still have money left. It has been nothing short of amazing.
But the true test comes one week from today.
One week from today I will be at a place of absolute no control. My life will be in the hands of a surgeon (who loves Jesus, by the way) and others caring for me as I have surgery. It’s the first time I’ve been put under for an extended period of time since I’ve had children…since I’ve been married.
It. freaks. me. out.
So, I am faced with a choice. Do I want to see God? Or do I want to be secure?
I am loved by a relentless God.
I am cared for by a God who went to the depths for me.
Does this mean that everything will go as planned next week?
No. At least not the plan of men.
As Tim Keller so eloquently put it…
God did not create a world with death and evil in it. It is the result of humankind turning away from him. We were put into this world to live wholly for him, and when instead we began to live for ourselves everything in our created reality began to fall apart—physically, socially, and spiritually. Everything became subject to decay. But God did not abandon us. Of all the world’s major religions, only Christianity teaches that God came to earth (in Jesus Christ) and became subject to suffering and death himself—dying on the Cross to take the punishment our sins deserved—so that some day he can return to earth to end all suffering without ending us.
Do you see what this means? Yes, we don’t know the reason God allows evil and suffering to continue, or why it is so random, but now at least we know what the reason isn’t—what it can’t be. It can’t be that he doesn’t love us! It can’t be that he doesn’t care. He is so committed to our ultimate happiness that he was willing to plunge into the greatest depths of suffering himself.
He understands us, he’s been there, and he assures us that he has a plan to eventually to wipe away every tear, to make “everything sad come untrue,” as J.R.R. Tolkien put it at the end of his Christian allegory The Lord of the Rings.
So as I walk through this next week; as I walk into that hospital next week.
I have to walk seeing God.
I have to walk knowing that He pursues me,
aches for me
with a relentless spirit.