admitting

I sat in bed last night pondering what has gone on in the past few weeks and what is to come in the next few.

a bank account that has dipped farther than I could ever feel comfortable with
the realization that the Lord is calling me to stay home again this next year
a stupid mistake while driving yesterday which might cost us more than the car is worth
a looming doctor’s appointment (which could very well be nothing, but could very well be something)
and on and on and on

Each of these things bringing me to a place that I just don’t like.

Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s spirit is in them – living and breathing God! ~ Romans 8, the message

Each of these things bringing me to a place where I think I can fix it our if only I could have made a better decision. But each of these things offering a blessing to me that I won’t see if I continue to “do it on my own.”

I can’t cling to the numbers in our bank account (bringing me to greater trust & faith & freedom)
I can’t make a job appear (and being homes mean I can develop my passion for daisyeyes and be with my children)
I can’t go back and change my lack of paying attention (but I can trust that the Lord knew and He forgives me stupidity)
I can’t know what’s going to happen next week at the doctor’s office (but the Lord does)

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. ~Matthew 5, the message

His promised blessings to me aren’t magic. They aren’t a multitude of material things. They aren’t a promise of zero hardship in my life. They don’t come without a stripping away of me.

His blessings are when I know that we are barely making it.. we are making it.
His blessings are when I know that I’m obeying His will for me…and He will come into that.
His blessings are when I make mistakes…and know I have his forgiveness
His blessings are when I am facing an uncertain diagnosis…but He is in the midst of it all.

Jesus looks at tired, worn-out people who in their desperation and rage feel justified in doing whatever relieves their pain and tells them…what must happen for them to become whole. ~ Larry Crabb

My wholeness.
That is the blessing.

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