I don’t let go of things easily, nor do I move on with change well. I like to think that I like change, but I really don’t.
I tend to mourn and grieve deeply and honestly don’t move on quickly.

I came across some writings from high school and early college and they were filled with my battle through darkness and loneliness. I sat there reading them and thinking (sarcastically) “wow, I’ve come a long way!” Not so. I know I’ve grown in my walk with Christ, but I’ve not truly let go of the darkness. I’m still holding onto a piece of it. Letting go of it means walking in complete freedom and weirdly that is scarier than remaining in the darkness.

And I don’t let go easily.

Ephesians 2:10 declares “for we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We are made for good works. His good works. But those good works don’t just come on my accord, but rather only when I’ve let go and I’m working for His glory and in His freedom.

I become so weary when I attempt to walk the path that I’m trying to forge…to work the works that I’m trying to work on my own. Walking with Jesus isn’t easy and can be tiresome, but it is a weariness that isn’t heavy because in Him we have a place to rest.

The past few weeks have been full of a heavy weariness. I’ve been too consumed with my path and the direction I think I need to go; instead of just laying it all out for Him. I’ve been angry at times and mournful of the direction He has taken our family.

Months ago we made the decision to leave the congregation we had been a part of for nearly 6 years. We honestly had been trying to forge our own path and in our hearts we knew the Lord was calling us somewhere else; somewhere within the new community that we had moved into. The first few weeks were exciting and we pretty quickly found the spot where we felt the Lord was leading us. But these last few weeks have been hard. Really hard for my soul. I know that the Lord prepared in advance where we were to go, the direction He was wanting to lead us (once we finally stopped and listened to His voice) and I know that He has many good works (and He has had already) in store for us in this place. But oh my soul, it has been hard. It’s change; and in some ways it’s been big change for us. Smaller, different style of worship, a new church plant etc. I’ve found myself attempting to want to create a new path somewhere else. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t want this, even though it’s where the Lord has put us.

And in that, I’ve become weary. I don’t want to move on and rejoice over the past and rejoice over His hand in the future.

I want to sit here and sulk.

So what do I do? I can remain here, sulking and longing for the past and what was (even though there was some crazy, crazy hard stuff there). I can remain here in mourning.
But if I do, I’m not living in Christ:
dead in my sins,
following the world,
living in the Flesh
and carrying out the desires of my mind

As much as I don’t want change and don’t want to enter into this new place the Lord has put us, even more I don’t want to remain out of Christ. I want to be
made alive in Him
saved by His grace
raised up with Him
accepting of His immeasurable riches in kindness
His workmanship
and prepared for His good works.

So I have to let go and move on.

{meditations from Ephesians 2:1-10}

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