There was a lot of anger in my house growing up. But although I wasn’t the recipient of most of it, it still made a huge mark upon my life. I’m not one to blame my parents or my past for the struggles I have today, but living in a home filled with anger you learn a few things.
You learn how to hide, but you also learn how to bring about the “right” kind of attention.
You learn how to run away, but the longing to be found grows stronger and stronger.
God found me. It wasn’t who I was looking for to be sure, but He found me and grabbed hold of me and has never, ever let go. It is me that has loosened my grip.
These last few days have found me struggling greatly with a lot of negative self talk. I’ve loosened my grip on Jesus and the accusations, the discontent, the demand for fairness has come flooding back. I’ve found myself looking for the wrong kind of attention and I’ve found myself wandering slowly in the wrong direction.
Yesterday found my family sitting in the balcony alone. It was awesome. But not because I could focus better. Not because my kids weren’t bothering anyone. But because I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I didn’t have to be honest, open, real or anything. I was truly in a place of running away.
But in my history of letting go of Christ and running away, I’m always looking back to see who is pursuing.
But I’m never looking back
and hoping it’s God pursuing.
But it is.
Titus 3 declares: “there is foolishness and disobedience in us but Christ died to bring His goodness and loving kindness to us.”
The truth is: I am going to run away. I am going to let go of Him.
But I am never going to turn around and not see His hand reaching out.
I am never going to turn around and not see Him running fast behind me…or standing and waiting for me to stop.
I am your God. I have molded you with my own hands, and I love what I have made.
I love you with a love that has no limits, because I love you as I am loved.
Do not run away from me.
Come back to me – not once, not twice, but always again…
I so much want you to be with me. I so much want you to be close to me.
I know all your thoughts. I hear all your words.
I see all your actions.
And I love you because you are beautiful, made in my own image, an expression of my most intimate love.
Do not judge yourself. Do not condemn yourself. Do not reject yourself.
Let me love touch the deepest, most hidden corners of your heart and reveal to you your own beauty,
a beauty that you have lost sight of, but which will become visible to you again in the light of my mercy.
This is the voice that Jesus wants us to hear.
~ Henri Nouwen from The Road to Daybreak
222. watching my boy strut back from a football game where he only played 2 minutes, but was so proud of himself
223. listening to that boy sing out “how great thou art” on Sunday morning
224. a new faucet
225. a husband who fixes
227. the four quarters that kept us within budget
228. dresses that fit
229. space to create
230. time with family
231. a God who is sustaining us
232. a Sunday afternoon lunch out
233. a crisp morning walk to school
234. the joy of running my needle through
235. the constant pursuit of Him despite my wanderings
236. the bottom of the laundry basket
237. pulling out all the clothes that we have for the Fall…and how we are blessed
238. the glance of a friend
239. the constant assurance that I am where He wants me
240. the joy of holding a sweet baby girl