Captivating Journal: loving well

At the end of April I had the opportunity to attend a women’s retreat by Stasi Eldredge called Captivating high up in the Rocky Mountains. These are excerpts from my journal during our the times called Covenants of Silence.

Tonight was a discussion on loving your man. Oh how I have so not loved my man well.
At the core of his being, he asks “do I have what it takes” and how I have been as
responsible as his mother and others at answering that with a resounding “no.”

If there is anything that has been aroused in me this weekend, it is the desire to wake
up and be a part of my family’s life. To engage with them fully and to abandon my fears
and vulnerabilities and come into them.

I long to be a champion of my husband. To go from being a wife that breaks down his soul into
one that tells him and shows him that I believe in him and that he does have what it
takes. My heart needs to move beyond my fears into becoming a champion for
him. I need to remind him daily that he is not alone and we stand united to fight the
battle for our hearts.

We need to stop looking to each other to offer the validation that our hearts need and
can only get from the Lord and in doing so it will open up a freedom in us that we have
never known.

Where is God calling me to risk or to offer to be vulnerable and to trust him in new
ways?
I don’t really know what God is calling me to except to be more real. To stop hiding and
being afraid. To really start learning what it is to follow Jesus fully and love Him. I feel
myself becoming pressed, yet undone. But undone in a way that is breaking up old wounds and
old messages to myself and finding my confidence in the Lord. To open myself up to my
children and even more so to my husband. To really pursue him and ask him about him.
To continually question him and to get at the core vows that he has made. Not to
counsel him, but to better know how to love and champion him. I just want to know him
and I want him to know me. I want to know the hearts of my children.

But as long as I am looking to him or them or to others or to activities to provide my heart validation I am
not going to be free to love and know them.

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