from my captivating journal: day 2

At the end of April I had the opportunity to attend a women’s retreat by Stasi Eldredge called Captivating high up in the Rocky Mountains. These are excerpts from my journal during our the times called Covenants of Silence.

Oh how deeply I feel the spirit of the Lord pressing onto me. Not in an oppressive way,
but in a sort of “wake up, look at Me, let Me fall into the depths of you” sort of way.

I was awakened to a new idea today of how much God loves me and pursues me. I had
never really considered that His weaving of stories, scriptures, people were His way of wooing me.
Trying deeply to capture my heart and make it His.
I knew they were the work of His hand and His doing, but really never considered why.
He is asking me to clear my life of all it’s debris.
All the lies I have let creep in, the agreements I have made:

I am not good enough.
Not a good enough wife
That nothing I have to share is good enough or would make sense.

My striving for attention from others is my way of trying to affirm that I am good
enough…right? It is a lie.

I am good enough because I am His.
I am good enough because He loved me so much He died for me
I am good enough because He has given me gifts and passions that I can share for His glory.

But I am struggling right now with a foreboding sense of fear. Fear that something is coming. Something big is coming that He is going to ask of me.
I long so deeply to go forth in JOY. Not fear.
The sense and knowledge that He loves me
he died for me
He woos me
And nothing happens without His hand in it for my good.

Take this fear from me Lord. Replace it with Love. Replace it with peace. Replace it with a heart that is at rest
A heart that’s restored

He is loving me out of my sin
Alluring me out of my brokenness
He is doing this through JOY and SORROW.

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