captivating notes: the beginning of my coming undone

At the end of April I had the opportunity to attend a women’s retreat by Stasi Eldredge called Captivating high up in the Rocky Mountains. These are excerpts from my journal during our the times called Covenants of Silence.

april 29

Last night was the first night of this retreat. I honestly listened to Stasi speak and
thought: this is not for me. Why am I here? I don’t feel closer to God. This is a retreat,
supposed to be this mountain top experience.

Today I heard her start to speak and the first thing I thought was
…I am coming undone.
I knew this weekend would be a culminating sort of thing. Driving home and giving me
space to process all these stirrings. Today I began to fully realize what He is stirring.

A speaker spoke about being a desolate or demanding woman. I know that I have been
and are both. I know that I have moved from being consumed with my desolation, to
moving into a demanding woman and back and forth. I have made an agreement that
God can’t change me.
That my character is so like my mothers and so ingrained within
me that I can’t be changed. I have grown comfortable in this place.
But God has started shaking up my world.
Making me uncomfortable with this and
awakening in me this longing and truth
The truth that all I have to do is come to Him and confess.

Lord Jesus, I confess I have soothed my soul in so many ways. I have gone to so many
other places except to your feet.
I confess I am shaken.
I am frightened.
I am even now not ready for you to move in me.
For you to change me.
Lord Jesus I agree that You can move my heart.
I agree that you can change me.
I agree that you will forgive me.

Forgive me for shaming my husband.
For shaming my son.
And for shaming my daughter.
How I long, oh Jesus how I long to be a woman where people’s hearts are
at rest with me.
Show me Lord the many many ways I have tried to cover myself.
Where I have tried to hide.
I long to be restored.
I don’t want to stay in this place of desolation.
I don’t want to stay in this place of shame.
I don’t want to stay in this place of Fallen Eve.
I want to be renewed.

I know this is more than an adventure Jesus. This is a quest. You have set eternity in
my heart. You have given me a task. A present and a future and that future is secure in
you.

Reveal to me Lord the areas of sin that I have given my heart over too. Shake this fear
and anxiety. This area of arrogance in my heart that makes me think I know more than
you. Shake this fear. Like Frodo, take this evil that is trying to make it’s way to my heart
and
cleanse me.
Renew me.
Heal me.

I am scared Lord. I need you to reveal. To come.
To give me freedom and the ability to stand in that freedom.

Sweet Jesus. How I praise you for how you are moving in me.
Please don’t stop.

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