I don’t know how many times in the past few days I have tried to sit down and write this post. Something keeps happening and I can’t get it done or I sit down and every thought that was floating through my head floats right back out. Funny, that pretty much sums up my point.
I had a dream last night that kind of woke me up this morning and I’ve been wrestling with it ever since. There were two people in it that I haven’t had a conversation with in years. They were my high school youth leaders and while I’ve seen them off and on in the past 18+ years, it’s not been much more than just a hello. But, they were the first people that were with me when I truly met Jesus and started processing through all my junk.
That said, the last thing I remember before I woke up was her telling me that whatever it was that I had done was so typical of me. I just make a rash decision, rush with it and don’t sit with it. I don’t sit with anything. Wow. Nothing like the Lord screaming at you in your dreams to make for a great morning!
This idea of not sitting with things, not letting things process is something that I’ve been hit with a million times over the past six months. My weekend away at the retreat was great in the sense that I was stranded. I couldn’t do anything but sit with stuff. They even worked that idea into the retreat schedule; times of silence where it was pretty darn hard to do anything but process through what you had heard.
One thing I wrote last weekend was that I so long to have a heart that sets people at rest. But in order to do that, I’ve got to rest. Not rest in front of the t.v. Not rest blowing through a book I’m reading. Not rest reading my Bible for the morning (and then wondering “what did I just read?”). But rest. Sit. Meditate. Pray.
I think as mothers (and women) it is so in our nature not to rest. We have a list for each day and in order to find significance, to answer that lie that we must “do” in order to answer that heart question: am I significant? do you see me?
But it is such a lie.
Most of the time it is in the not doing that we realize that we are seen and found.
There is a wound in me that is great. But until I remove the debris of my life;
until I fully realize that a denied wound can’t be healed (~ B. Manning)
God will continue to disrupt my life in order to get to it.
But His love doesn’t expose us…
it covers us.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
~ Psalm 18:19