being a spectator

“God does not go to all the trouble of revealing reality so that we can stand around as spectators and look at it.” ~ E. Peterson

Today was not a good morning. Nothing really happened, I just let fear get a hold of me and boy did it ever run away. In the end, I praise Jesus for His Spirit in me because it was that Spirit that I finally started listening to. Standing in the shower I realized that all the things I had been concerning myself with that morning were an attempt to keep me home and isolated. Today was a Bible study day and when I finally started listening I kept hearing the refrain… “you need to be there.”

Needless to say, I was a little bummed when I got there, started listening to the video of Beth Moore and honestly wasn’t struck by anything. There have been some powerful lessons and I can’t really think of one that I haven’t walked away totally encouraged and yet convicted. Today I couldn’t really process anything that was really worthy of the Lord telling me “I needed to be here” until about the end of our group time. We were all praying through thanksgiving and it hit me:

I am a spectator.
My husband is a spectator.
We are being shoved out of our positions of just watching
and into positions of participating.

You could ask either one of us about this whole spectating thing and we would both agree whole-heartedly that we know the Lord has more for us than this. We know we aren’t totally trusting Him and moving with Him. And we would both probably tell you that we were waiting for the “right” moment or we would agree with you that we are scared out of our minds. I know that the Lord has been moving in each of our lives in the past couple of years and we have both just sort of put our toes into the water. We have felt the excitement of being close to the field; being on the sidelines versus in the stadium seats.
But now we are being suited up and shoved out on the field like a rookie.

This is a month of craziness for us. My husband, who I wholly believe has been given the gift of counseling, is going to lead a bunch of men he doesn’t know, in an unfamiliar place. This pulling in his heart to listen and learn to counsel others is finally beginning to be revealed. And instead of just letting him watch from the sidelines, the Lord is pushing him into the game.

I am traveling many miles from home to be with 400+ women I don’t know. To open my heart to a place and to people that are completely unfamiliar to me. But, I know that this trip will bring clarity for me. Time for me to finally process all the things that the Lord has been piling up in my heart. He is dragging me, sometimes kicking and screaming, into this place of participation.

And in the midst of all this newness for us is Easter.
The realization that
even though we have ignored the Lord’s leading.
Even though we have followed our own desires.
Even though He has given us a great “dignity that we haven’t earned

His “promise is stronger than our failure.”

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