Instead of coming up with long drawn out goals for this new year, I’ve decided to borrow an idea from another blogger and pick a few words. One of my 2011 words is reconciling.
I’m sure there are plenty of relationships in my life that I need to reconcile with, but when I say “reconciling” I am meaning with myself. I don’t embrace change, challenges etc very well and right now I’m walking through a process where I am pretty much coming face to face with myself and all my crap. And at 35 years old, that’s a lot of undealt with crap. That said, I’m dealing with what it really means to reconcile with who I really am.
I am reconciling the fact that who I am right now today, isn’t who I want to be or who I ever will be or who God wants me to be. I feel like Paul when he declares in Romans:
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
It’s the reminder that it is the sin in me that focuses too much on others lives and expects the same in mine. The realization that this is the path that the Lord has put me on, and while it may not match my neighbors, it is still within His will and that is what truly matters.
The other word is trust.
I like to think that I trust others, but in all honesty, I don’t trust a soul. Not myself and certainly not God. I’m moving into a season (new house, sending my son back to public school, tight-tight budget, and lots of “extra” time on my hands) where I have really got to trust God. I could easily spend the next few months planning the crap out of everything or hiding behind a book, computer, project etc. But it’s the next few months with just me and my daughter at home that I’m trying to wake up and view as a gift.
But in order to do that, I’ve got to trust.
This is my verse for the year. (I am working on embroidering it to hang in my bedroom so it’s the first thing I see in the morning):
This is what the Lord says:
“Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the Lord.
They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
I’m letting go of the barren wilderness I keep myself in (it’s safe there…right?) and letting go of the picture of myself as a stunted shrub who is just stuck.
This is my year of producing fruit. Of showing off my glowing, shiny leaves. Of roots set so deeply in the Lord’s rich bank that nothing can sway me over. Of finally letting myself really feel the wind through the branches and letting go.
I am reconciling myself to the beauty that the Lord is uncovering within me and trusting in Him to get me through this process and down this road.
It’s going to be a glorious year.