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journal | rambling thoughts | spirituality

November 9, 2010

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[chorus]
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

[back to chorus]

When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

Forgiven by Sanctus Real

I have heard this song on the radio at least 1,000 times. Today was the first day I actually heard this song. If you read this blog at all, you know that I struggle greatly with anxiety and just issues of fear. I hate making decisions and most of the time they are fraught with too much deliberation and too much concern for the “what ifs?” or “what will they think?” I can freely admit this area of deep sin in my life. But lately, I’ve moved on from just admitting this sinful tendency, to being angry about it.
Angry that it matters to me what others think.

The thing I hate most about parenting is that everyone has an opinion. And everyone has a way of doing things. And we don’t allow others to just embrace the season,
the place,
the way,
that others do things.
I can tell you that the past year, there have been few decisions that we have made that haven’t been prayed over by us and by our close friends. I can tell you that this move, this house was a gift from the Lord….even when it made NO sense for us to move up here and out of our old, perfectly fine house.

I want to be free to move in the direction that the Lord is leading us…leading me…without fear of embarrassment. Without fear of looking like a failure. Without fear that I’m doing something “unBiblical”. I want to fully embrace the season I am in and the season that is coming.

One of the things that sucks this side of Eden is our overwhelming self-righteousness.

Make me a person Lord that loves despite…

  1. “Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?” Isaiah 2:22

    I have clung to this verse these past few weeks! I am so aware and so concerned of what others think of me or how they perceive me. S-l-o-w-l-y I am breaking that off and finding FREEDOM! I have an audience of ONE and often times I look VERY different in our home and out in public and that makes people look and their looks consume me. I can embrace different or I can be consumed by others thoughts. Freedom or bondage. God alone places my worth!
    I am also slowly taking in the fact that when I become so consumed with what others think that I set myself up as a little god. Yikes!
    God is all about breaking my idols these days. He is releasing me into a LIFE of FREEDOM! I hear your words and I know them…I feel them and live them! You are not alone.

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