If you have ever met me or even if you are a friend, you know that I’m about as transparent as a block of wood. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve by any means. While I desperately crave control and secretly love being in charge, I absolutely hate being at the center…being the one seen.
This past year for me has been one of God truly yanking me out of my little dark box and thrusting me out into the light. I’ve struggled greatly with the path that He has put me on because I have had to BE present.
The dictionary defines “transparent” as
- easily understood; very clear
- easily recognized or detected; obvious
- without guile or concealment; open; frank; candid
It has truly been one of those times in my life that God has given me, repeatedly, what I’ve prayed for. And that little quote: “be careful what you pray for” has become SO true. In the back of my mind, I’ve longed to be in ministry or missions and I’ve longed to be in a place where I could share the things that God has and is teaching me. I’ve longed to be open, easily recognized for my faith. To be one of those women that the Spirit has taken over so much of their heart that they are truly, truly free.
In this past year, those prayers have started to become answered; and it has been so hard! I’ve truly never in my life felt the Spirit moving so strongly. I’ve never seen the path in front of me so clearly shown. Yet, even in the midst of knowing, truly knowing, what path I’m to travel on, I’ve desperately clung to that little dark box. It’s like the person hanging on to the telephone pole for dear life, while the tornado desperately tries to rip them off. This tornado is ripping through my life and my heart and clearing out all the things that are crowding it out and I’m desperately hanging on. If I let go and let the wind carry me, when the storm passes I know there will be a rainbow and I’ll be standing in the rays of the Son.
The kindergarten decision is one of those such paths. I’ve known in my heart for months now where this little man was going. But I kept clinging to the pole. I didn’t want to be set free. I didn’t want to just be at peace with the decision. I wanted to wrestle with it. I wanted to hang on and forge my own way through it. I started that post last December and rewrote a little bit again for before posting. But even when posting it, I knew. Last night we went to a kindergarten open house and on my way out I was talking to a lady I had worked with last summer. Her words to me were, “you know, the thing about making a decision is that when you know, you will know.”
Why are we so stubborn with our faith? Why after God turning the staff into a snake in front of my eyes, do I continue to question? Why, when the Lord gives us those things that we’ve longed for, we forge our way down a different path?
Sweet Jesus, help me to let go; to be transparent in your love. Help me to be at peace and to truly trust in your ways.