It has been nearly two years to the date that I had my second child and quit my full time job. While transition for my little Chick was easy, the transition for my first child was a little harder. He had been in some form of full time care (at least during the school year) since he was 8 weeks old and while we had summers off together, it was a limited time and usually really full (our first summer together we ended up moving states!)
It’s been a rather tumultuous time. We’ve had some really, really special times together since I’ve been home full time, but there have also been some of the hardest times with him I’ve ever had. I have blamed this trouble on so many things: his age, the mere change of being home all the time, his preschool etc. And while those surely played a role, a wise friend revealed to me one day that the struggle is because he is exactly like me.
We butt heads and struggle with each other so much because he is me in personality. We are both very independent, focused (don’t disturb us!), strong willed and sensitive (dealing with criticism is something I’ve had to learn to respect) kind of people. While this was brought to my attention many months ago, it’s been so heavy on my heart the last few weeks.
So as I’ve struggled with him and with loving him well, it’s just been so hard. It is like loving unconditionally and dealing with all the parts of me that are so sinful. The pride, the selfishness, the strong will, the need to be “right.” When he is sassing off to me, it is hard because he is slamming my sinful nature right back in my face! And so it is hard to find that restraint, that mercy, with my immediate defensiveness.
If there was one major resolution for this new year, it would be that the Lord would show me how to love this child, so like me, well.