Since the beginning of this blog, I have journaled often about my struggle with my identity…who I am now that I’m at home and not working. The last few weeks have found me in a place stress-wise and anxiety-wise that I’m not sure I’ve ever been in. I’ve had at least 2 anxiety attacks and have never experienced anything like that before. That incredible feeling of fear and foreboding is just surreal. But in the last week, I feel like I’ve had a little clarification in my life.
I think that part of this anxiety has come from this place that the Lord has brought us with our finances. We are not in a place financially that we want to be in, but we are so far out of a place that we’ve been in the past. But it’s that realization of not using what the Lord has given you in a responsible way that has really convicted us and me. In that, I’ve tried to figure out ways that I can “fix” the problem. There is no “fix” other than staying attentive and knowledgable of what we have been given and living within that. We are whittling away at our credit cards and in time, they will be gone and with it will be an incredible attitude towards living that I can’t wait to experience (debt free that is!)
Part of this anxiety has come from my feeling of failure. I’ve hemmed and hawed so much lately about going back to teaching, homeschooling my kids, going to get my doctorate and I’ve never really been able to answer the question “why”. Sure, I’ve thought about going back to work because of money, but that is not the total answer. It hit me the other day that the reason why I want to go back into teaching is because I was successful and confident there. I knew what I needed to do daily, how to achieve it and had many years of experience with it. I feel comfortable in a classroom and feel successful there. I haven’t been feeling that at home. I thought if I tried homeschooling my little Rooster that would help me find that feeling again, but he wants nothing to do with it. And I think the reason is is that God is pushing me into this corner to show me that my success and my sense of accomplishment and my identity must come from Him.
Now my little chick is sick. This week I was feeling so calm and in control of things and confident (here we go again) and the Lord again comes in to show me that my sense of accomplishment and confidence can’t come from how many things I can tell my husband I did today, but rather in loving on this sweet little sick girl and caring very little about the pile of dishes that aren’t getting done.
My goal daily now is to start my day slowly. To not worry about tomorrow or how many things I have to get done. This sense of anxiety, that I can’t get it all accomplished, starts coming back and I can’t live like that anymore. I am trying to spend my days in prayer, doing the things that bring me joy, spending time with my family and not focusing on the far, far future, but focusing on the Lord today.
Joy wrote this beautiful post that speaks so true to what I long for. To see the beauty in the little things. To stop and notice the tiny things that the Lord has placed in front of me, instead of just holding my head down and getting through it all. To be constant.