The Lord has moved greatly in the last 18 months of our lives…of my life. In this time I have found myself in and out of experiences and relationships like never before and never before have I felt myself cling harder nor long deeper for Jesus.
At this moment in my life I find myself at a crossroads. My son is nearing five and my daughter is moving on out of babyhood. And I find myself looking back over these past 18 months and even past 11 years of my life at so many experiences. I have felt the Lord grooming me for these past 18 months for something; only I didn’t have a clue what it was. It is in the past few weeks that I’ve begun to realize what it is. An opportunity has presented itself and the more my mind wanders and thinks about it, the more I realize that this is what He has been preparing me for. It is a time in my life that I can really look back at all the experiences that I’ve had teaching and all the relationships that I’ve been in and out of and see, with clarity, how God is going to use those for this potential opportunity.
Sixteen total hours in a car allows you many chances to talk and my husband and I talked through a lot of this this past week. What I realized is how much the Lord has grown me in my desire for validation and support. When I look back at all my years teaching, I can see how early on I craved validation and needed that pat on the back for every little thing that I did. Thankfully, I can say I had that. But the last 3 years I taught were the most difficult and also the most freeing. I had a year where I had absolutely no support and no validation for what I was doing…except from knowing that I was where I was because God had put me there. The years after that brought me to a place where I really found healing and also a different kind of support and even confidence. Being at home has been the ultimate test. It is as a mom that you really can’t look to anyone or anything for validation, except Jesus. It is being home that I’ve really learned that only the Lord can provide the true support and validation that I long for. These are things that will be key if I am able to get this opportunity.
All that to say, I read an awesome post at A Holy Experience that really spoke to me and to this place I’m at. It was about Criticism and basically praying for less and less of myself and more and more of Jesus. It is a message that I’ve blogged about often since I started DaisyEyes and continues to be a refrain in my life. Here are a few snippets of her post. Click above to read the whole post.
Why be wounded, discouraged, when others find the efforts of these hands, this life, to fall short? For it’s true. I do fall short. It’s the essence of who I am. It’s why I cling to wood that won’t burn, wood surging up from the core of the universe, the Wood of Calvary.
“You would be a hypocrite to think lowly of yourself, but then expect others to think highly of you,” wrote the theologian and chaplain Jeremy Taylor over three hundred years ago. “Remember, no one can undervalue you if you know that you are unworthy. Once you know that, no amount of contempt from another person will be able to hurt.”
It does not hurt water to flow to the lowest places. It’s what water does. Always seeking, searching, hunting for ways to go lower, to trickle further downward. We live parched, thirsty. But we will not find drink for our soul on the heights, on the peaks. For the water’s running down, calling us to come too. To take His cup, to be quenched, we too must go lower and lower.
At this crazy point in my life where I feel the Lord leading me to step out of my “box” and into a new adventure and new season, I pray that this would be at my heart constantly.